it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
