We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Your penis caused this!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
