Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
