my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
