Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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