If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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