I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
