She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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