SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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