Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
