I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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