Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
