Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
