see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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