is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize