I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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