Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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