All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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