I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
