I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
