this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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