Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
