Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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