Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
