I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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