I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
