3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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