im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
These tits shall not be calmed
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