if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
