update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
No subtext here. People are naked.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
