dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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