textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
