you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
