my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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