apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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