I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
