I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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