My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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