I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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