Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
