sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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