last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She's the barista slut.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
