just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
