So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
MIDGETS
????
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
