Yo dont text me then not text me
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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