I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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