sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
