She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
