i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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