I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
