thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
