We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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