Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
