I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
