I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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