just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Come on in and take your pants off
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