i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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