So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize