it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
