i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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