i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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