you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize