Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
